I Feel So Ashamed

I hate to admit this but I am a HATER. I feel so ashamed to say it. I read a lot of (in)fertility blogs and my heart goes out to each and every situation. I love to read the ones that find success and I tend to stick with them through the pregnancy process. Even lately, I have been praying specific prayers for certain ladies. Now I do pray a general overall about all the ladies I'm reading but there have been two I pray for by name. Well in the last couple of days one received a negative result and the other received a positive one. My heart sank so bad for the one that didn't get the good news. I prayed and prayed that the news they received would be wrong and the doctor would call and tell them good news instead. I really broke my heart to know their attempt was unsuccessful. Now the other lady for some reason it broke my heart to see the positive results. I have no idea why. I am truly hating on that positive right now. This woman, indeed, deserves her positive and she deserves to be happy and to finally have her miracle baby but somehow I am hurt to see that happy news. Her news hit me like a ton of bricks. But the funny thing is I prayed for her to get her miracle. I wanted this to happen so why am I so pissed about it? See, insert shame here. I think I see a therapy session in my immediate future. I am so sorry to be a hater. I never though it would be in my nature. This (in)fertility *ish sucks. (yeah I know not very Christian like but that's how I feel.)

Proud of Me

I would like to report that I officially sent in the release of records letter to the RE's office. I faxed it yesterday. I had to call the office and get the fax number and I am quite sure I will need to follow up the fax next week with a phone call but after, at least, four weeks of stalling I found the nerve. I believe we will do a FET out of pocket with the 1 embryo we have and then pursue my other two rounds. I am proud that I took that first step. I know they say the first step is the hardest. Even though no one tells you just how hard step two is gonna be (actually receiving the records/facing the RE face to face).

WOW

I haven't posted in a super long time. I am doing my best to stay updated on other folks blogs but my head hasn't been in the fertility game lately. While I so desperately want to be pregnant again I can't seem to wrap my hands around the phone to call the RE's office. I don't know what my issue is. I have gone through so much in the last month it's actually kinda making us rethink if we want to go through this again. I'm thinking I'll just grow old and bitter with my unfulfilled hopes and dreams. I figured I'd do that anyway due to never having won the lottery but figure maybe this would be more realistic.

Here's the low down (other kids mentioned). School has started so my other kids are back on their crazy schedule. (Karate, Football, Cheerleading, Swimming) I'm tuckered out just driving all around town so to add multiple doctors appointments on top of that is gonna be challenging. We need to move. I refuse to continue to pay our crazy outrageous mortgage. I wanna sell and downgrade but we need the space to downgrading is not the best option in size just price. (Yeah, I know good luck with that). Then we got a new foster child/adult. Shes 18 and that has brought new challenges into the home. Do I really want to add a new baby at this time? Yes and No. I don't want to have my poor eggs grow any older. I still have that one frozen and I need to make some choices. Plus have I mentioned I still don't know what to do about my RE. I did call a few weeks ago, got the answering service and no one called me back. Should I take that as a sign? 

I did, in the course of typing this post, talk to the place that has my one frozen embryo and they gave me a bit more hope on just paying for the transfer out of pocket instead of wasting one of my last two insurance authorization. Hopefully I come to a decision soon and get back to regular blogging. 

xoxo to all my fertility ladies in the trenches. baby dust to you all. :-)

Needed To Clear My Head

Sorry, I haven't had the chance to read any blogs lately or have I taken the time to sit down and post. I feel so overwhelmed right now with decisions that I need to make.

With my insurance, I have 2 rounds left. DH is now a bit apprehensive about paying for IVF unlike before. So I believe that I may only have those 2 rounds left. If I can't convince him to pay. I was thinking about going back to the old RE just for that one frosty but that will leave me with just 1 round if it doesn't work. I have an appointment with the big RE office, just as a consultation but I still need to get my records from the old RE in order to do so. I hate confrontation so I'm a bit nervous about asking for my records. But I need to do something before the 30th of this month. I told the RE that I would contact her on Monday as to whether I decided between a new fresh cycle or that one frozen and today is now Wednesday. Clearly, I haven't make a decision.

My heart is so conflicted about what to do and my DH's response is he'll go along with whatever I feel comfortable with. Fine time to respect my decisions. Let's argue about it and you have a strong opinion and try to make me see it your way. I don't wanna make the decision alone. And that's how I feel, alone. I have to make this choice myself and it sucks. I think the stress of this is making me physically ill. Anyone want to add their 2-cents. I'm considering any and all opinions right now.

IVF #1 a bust

As the title reads my beta resulted in a BFN.

It wasn't a shock to me I was just ready to hear the news so I can figure out what to do next. The RE suggested another fresh cycle. I wasn't sure as I still have that one frozen embryo. I decided to call my insurance company to see how things were covered with the fresh and frozen cycles. They still consider frozen an attempt.

I have some hard choices to make. I have a 5-day blast and I love that. I wanted to do a 5-day any way but I only have 1. Do I take my chances with the 5-day or try again with her, knowing that she's gonna try and have me do a 3-day again? Do I get forceful and demand a 5-day? Do I leave her altogether for a bigger clinic? If I leave I have to tell her to cancel the prior authorization with the insurance company so the new clinic that get authorization for the two rounds I have left. I don't want her to be pissed and drag her feet. Also, would it mean leaving my frosty behind or will the new clinic be able to get it?

Anyone who has read this blog longer than 2 days knows about the troubles I have had with her office. I do believe she knows what she is doing but I question some of her actions and the fact that she's the only 'person' in her practice. I want to be able to call someone and talk to someone. I want to feel that I am making decision and being a part of my fertility not find out stuff after the fact, like how I found out ICSI was used and don't think there was a real reason to do so.

I have a lot of thinking to do.

PS. Is it bad that I am excited that I found a image to represent BFN?

Remember That Roller Coaster (The TMI Post)

TMI References. Don't read any further if you don't want the gory details. :-0. I warned you.


I hate that infertility leaves a person with so many more questions as each day and cycle passes. Right now I'm kinda scared to go to the bathroom. I see blood and I'm not sure if I am to be happy or scared that it's there. It's not a whole lot but as each day passes (some on Saturday then the most has been since Monday) I  don't know if it's implantation or miscarriage or start of AF. Saturday was a speck here and there. Sunday nothing. Monday when I wiped it was not a lot but noticeable. As the week has progressed it has become more and more. It's not enough to change a pantyliner more than twice in a day but is this normal? Dr. Google said it could be but I have never experienced anything like this before. Could it be this much because of the three embryos? I'm confused and as usual it it taking an up and down toll on me.

These Roller Coaster Rides

That is what I have been on these last few days. First, I think I am doing ok with this extra wait but since I'm such a worry wort I am stressing about whether nor not there was any success. I saw traces of bleeding on Saturday and though ok this could be implantation bleeding then when I saw more Monday, Tuesday and today, it almost sent me into shock. I consulted Dr. Google and apparently this is normal. Especially since I have 3 embryos in there. So here's hoping at least one of them is burying themselves in deep cause my mind keeps panicking that I'll have to do these shots all over again.

On a separate note, yesterday I participated in a raging war within private messages on FB with my two sisters. Totally stupid and I feel immature on all our parts. Needless to say, the one sister I was already not speaking to not only are we are still not speaking but now it won't even be cordial conversations at family events. The other sister who I did speak to and babysat her daughter every other weekend for the last two years and I are now not speaking. As my DH put it, Minnie the Mooch is now out of our lives. Like I don't have enough drama going on. Thank God my brother has a wife that I love to pieces so I still have that sister bond going on.

I had hoped to have had my blanket finished by today but the way things are going with my emotions I'm not even sure I like that thing anymore. I have to find a way to make it more squared. It's starting to look like one of those runner carpets. So I'm kinda stalled on it. I think I really wide border could help or I may have to create a second one and stitch them together to make one. Off to Google I go.

Call From RE

This is how the dialog pretty much went:

Her: You had labs done today?
Me: Yes, you told me to get my beta done on the 6th.
Her: Really? You had your transfer on the 27th right?
Me: Yep and I put the date in my calendar when you told me.
Her: Oh, I must have had the dates wrong. You are only 10 days past. This is too early to test. I like to see testing on day 15.
Me: Yeah, I think I saw implantation bleeding yesterday and Dr. Google told me it was too early but I figured you knew best.
Her: Well test on this Friday and text me when you get it done so I can be on the look out.
Me: Well can I POAS that morning cause I'm kinda anxious.
Her: It may be too early to POAS but if you decide to test yourself that morning just let me know if you think we may have a positive. 

And to that dialog I say awesome, and not in a good way. I'm all kinds of stressing and sad from my BFN and it's too dang early to test. SO I'm back in the land of faith and hope. 

Morning Update and Blanket Update

Today I am 10dp3dt and I took my beta test this morning. I actually don't think I should have. I think I  had implantation bleeding yesterday and now am worried (cause I worry about everything) that it's too soon to test. But I forged on and let the vampires take the juice anyway. This process has been the most stressful thing I've had to deal with and that is counting the 16 page paper due the weekend of my birthday two weeks ago. (which i got a 57 out of 60 on it).

I had a massage scheduled for that weekend but had to cancel due to the bed rest so it was rescheduled for this past Saturday and while I was driving there they called to reschedule and now it's today. So help me if I don't get this massage I just may have to scream.

I am also finished the blanket. I wanna say I'm about halfway done. Since my post yesterday I knocked out another full ball of yarn. Since these are small I am gonna use 4 for the body of the blanket and half of one for a border. I am really proud that I have been finding little projects to ease my mind. This is what I looked like before I went to bed last night.

A more happier note

I started working on a new blanket, because I am determined that I will have a baby. I am using a loom  and the really soft yarn from Bernat. I think it's 100% polyester. I love the way it feels. I brought 5 bundles of it and if by some chance I have some left, I'm thinking of making a pillow case. This is how far I have gotten I started on it last night while watching the Olympics. Hoping to have it done by next week. This should keep me nice and busy and sidetracked. 

As Of 7am....

... It was a BFN. It was suggested that maybe its still too early to POAS. According to Dr Google, I shouldn't have my beta done until the 8th instead of tomorrow. So I'm gonna try and hold out hope unit tomorrow and see what the beta says but I am disappointed none the less.

Tomorrow I ......

...POAS. I know that my actual beta draw is on Monday but I just can't take another day. I brought a 2 pack that has a bonus third. So I will POAS Sunday and Monday morning. This has been the most trying two weeks of my life. I feel so anxious. I'm scared that it will be negative and I'm scared with will be positive and I'll end up with triplets. I'm not sure how to handle either situation. It is 10:13 eastern standard time on Saturday night and I just can't wait to go to sleep and wake up. It feels like Christmast Eve and I'm just waiting to see if 'santa' got me that gift I really wanted. I will update first thing tomorrow morning.

Negative Emotions

I feel really bad for complaining about the progesterone. I know that this is helping to keep those little embries sticky and I should be grateful. But I am having a really horrible time with it. I don't know when the stick occurred but one has caused a lump at the site and how it hurts to walk and I'm walking with a limp. I haven't mentioned it to the RE yet but have asked to switch from the shots and was told that this is the best course of action for this drug. I hate feeling really negative about the situation but the pain and my focus on it has actually made this 2WW fly by.

I test on Monday and boy am I looking forward to that. I don't want to get my hopes up high because I know just how easy it is to get a BFN and I'm so scared that we will have to do this all over again. The lab only had one embryo to freeze. So I really want this to work but I have seen that every time I'm excited about something and start to share then it all falls apart. I know stress isn't good that's why I have a two hour massage scheduled for Saturday to help take my mind off things.

Here's wishing for at least one sticky embryo.

Progesterone Shots

I need to call and ask how many days am I suppose to take these shots. My bottom hurts. My DH has been shooting me up in the top part of the muscle and boy am I sore. I have had 8 shots so far. I asked if I could take the suppositories but was told that this offers the best absorption. How has anyone else gotten through this?


Also, today marks 3dp3dt. I am suppose to test on Monday, August 6th. Does that seem right? That is only 10 days past transfer. Isn't the whole reason why it's called the 2WW is because you are to wait 14 days? Is this testing too early? Sorry for all the questions, I guess am getting very anxious and nervous with this being my first cycle and all. 

1dp3dt

I sure hope I typed that right. I have been really looking forward to being able to type in code. Today has been a busy day and I'm hoping to stay real busy during this two week wait. Also I turn the ripe old age of 35 today. I think I just crossed into a new category in the TTC community. I thank you all for the info and well wishes during this ICLW.

On a funny note. I think my RE may be reading all the crap I post about my lost faith in her. She called to wish me a happy birthday today. I guess that now all the hard part is over she can breathe a sigh of relief that her trouble patient is finally happy. 

PUPO

This is where we are. Right now is a little tough for me to type as I am laying flat in bed and typing in a very awkward position.

First the RE gave me info on the embryos and like I said before 8 of the 9 fertilized but I didn't know they used ICSI. One didn't take but the others started growing. 3 were at 8 cells, 2 were at 6 cells, 1 was at 4, and 1 was at 2.

We did a day 3 transfer. I asked why not a 5 but the RE had some excuse/answer that at this point I don't remember. Now because (she said) we were doing a day 3 instead of 5, it was decided (said it was standard) to implant 3 embryos. Even though DH only preferred 1 to be transferred, I was ok with 2 but 3 is scary. The RE did give me odds and percentages on them all sticking and actually having triplets. (She said about 1%) They did the selective reduction talk and I had to check whether I would do it if all 3 took and I politely (or rather not so politely) declined. I did however state that I believe every woman has a right to choose. That got a few chuckles from the room. I tend to have nervous humor.

At a few times during the procedure I had to look over and ask DH if he was ok. He hates hospitals, needles, doctors, and pretty much anything medical. I would say scared but I don't want him to kill me if he ever reads this. Gotta let him be his tough manly self. There I was in this awkward position, in this weird chair with a speculum and two catheters "hanging" around and I'm asking him if he was ok.

Here are my questions: for those that have done IVF, did you do a 3 day or 5 day transfer? How many embryos did they transfer? Were you given a choice on the number? AND OMG, should I pull my hair out now or just wait. :-)

Updates and Thanks

Thank you ladies for commenting yesterday in regards to my shot debacle. Hubby did better this morning. I iced the intended injection spot first and then let him inject me.
 
So here are the updates:

First things first.....8 eggs out of 9 were fertilized

I still feel sick but I went to urgent care last night and the doc there talked to the RE and both agree my stomach pains aren't related to the retrieval. Have anyone seen the movie Space Balls. If not it's a really funny parody of Star Wars and if you have my stomach feel like the end of the movie where the two main characters are in a diner at the counter ordering lunch and another guy at the counter starts to have stomach pains. They are so bad that he ends up laying on the counter. Then his stomach tears open (you never see the gory stuff) and this alien lizard comes out in top hat and tails and starts to sing and dance across the counter out the doors. I feel like that lizard is about to come out. If you haven't seen the movie at least youtube that clip. It's funny in a "I'm glad my stomach doesn't feel like that" sort of way.

Transfer is scheduled for tomorrow at 12:30. I am excited but really need this to work. I'm not sure if I'm tough enough to do a round of injections, retrieval and progesterone shots again. All you ladies that have done more than one round my heart goes out to you and I wish you a very speedy success. This $hit is hard and it takes some serious determination to get through this process. I really don't know if I'll have it in me again. 

What I Should Be Doing

This is what I should be doing, But no, I came to work. I don't know if its just too soon or the doxycycline I took on an empty stomach but I feel like crap. I don't feel like yesterday's crap but today I just feel nausea. Can you feel sick from the progesterone? Then to top it off my DH tried to kill me with the needle this morning. The nurse showed him what to do but I think he was nervous. He took his sweet time inserting the needle. He was trying to ease it in but then took it back out and then wanted to try to put it back in. I had to stop him, change the needle and explain what dart-like motion was. We almost divorced this morning. I can't let that man anywhere near anymore needles. I'm not even sure he hit muscle. If it was a tv show I would have been laughing at our situation but I was in pain and had to leave for work. I either need to use an easier muscle or ask for the suppositories. 

We Have Eggs

The harvest is complete and we have 9 eggs. That was a very unique experience and I don't know how I got through it. I left out the house this morning at 0 dark 30 (5:15) to get to the hospital by 6am. I had to register and then wait in the surgicenter's waiting room to be called. A nurse came around to do the pre-op questions and prep. I was told I was first on the board. I gave her my entire life story (no I don't drink. no I don't smoke. no I haven't eaten after midnight, and yes I had bypass surgery, lost a lot of weight, yes I'm happy I had the surgery, etc). I am a very tough stick so they send someone down from the IV team to do my IV as the surgicenter nurse didn't get me on the first go. She said she'd rather no torture me and I agreed and thanked her mightily. My RE came in, gave me reassurances and left to go get changed. Once they did get my IV in I headed up to the OR waiting room where I spoke to the Anesthesiologist and had to give my life story to her too.

When I got in the OR they all were masked and after getting on the table and saying a bunch of funny things I noticed the RE in the room.  


Nurse: Are you comfortable. (once I got on the table)
Me: As comfortable as you can be in an operating room full of people.


Then it was nighty night. 


I wake up slow from Anesthesiology but I recall the RE telling me how many eggs she retrieved and that she would call me later. My DH was there and I remember asking if he did his part and then the nurse showed him how to give me my progesterone shots.  Now my abdomen is a bit tender and my bum hurts. I came home, too another really good nap and I will wait as patiently as I can for the RE to call tomorrow to tell me how many fertilized. 

Tomorrow Is The Day

Tomorrow is the day and am I nervous, yep. Am I partially scared, yep. Do I have to get up at 0 dark 30 to get there by 6:00am, yep. All of my fears and self-doubt is bubbling to the surface. I am the type of person that makes lists and makes plans and above all likes to be a few steps ahead. All I can think about are the what ifs and to make matters worse, it was just a few days ago that I wasn't even sure I would even get to this point. OMG, I can't believe tomorrow is the retrieval day. 

Trigger

After all I have waited for and been through......I trigger tonight. Retrieval is scheduled for Tuesday morning. The RE called me last night to move my appointment from the afternoon to the morning. I totally missed church today. I had to go to where she wanted me to go for blood work as she never got the results from yesterday and I guess wanted to control getting the results. Then we met right after the appointment. It took the blood guy two tries to get blood. I had been stuck each day 8 days in a row. Needless to say my veins were done giving up the juice. 


My E2 levels were 2000 something and I have about 3 follicles on the left and about 8 on the right. I'm not happy with the numbers but overall I just need one. I am excited and terrified at the same time. I am mostly scared by the fact that my husband has to do my progesterone shots. I don't want that man anywhere near me with a needle. He's freaked out just watching me shoot up myself. I can just imagine  the scene. I'll have to let you gals know how that goes. 

ICLW Welcome and Update

Hello to those in from the ICLW. A quick background on me and my journey can be found here. But to update from that, I am ::cross fingers:: a few days away from IVF#1 retrieval. It has been a rocky road that I am doing my best to hang on to it. I had to have a new set of meds overnighted as the last dose I had was done Thursday night. I think from Wednesday to Friday, I made over a dozen calls to Freedom and that last call to FedEx was quite scary for the dude on the phone. I think I scared him when I said that it was imperative that my package arrived before 3 as I had medication in that box that I need to take as soon as it arrives. He seemed kind of scared and told me he was contacting the driver. I swear it wasn't even an hour later that the driver was pushing the box at me. 

 I had another scan yesterday and was told I have to have another on Sunday. And get this, the appt will be after the RE get's out of Church. I'm thinking "I have to spend my early morning waiting in the ER for someone to draw my blood because my blood lab is closed on Sunday and may miss my own church service but heaven forbid she misses her service". I am taking this all in stride as I know what is on the line here and what's at stake. So I'll play by whatever rules she's got....for now.


I'm not clear on the number of follicles I have but things are still growing slowly but she thinks that I could have retrieval as early as Tuesday but as late as Wednesday. I'll update more hopefully tomorrow.

Fertility Free Friday #4

This is my plan for today. I want to laugh and have fun and not be boggled down by fertility. So tomorrow we will return you to your normal programming with updates and whines about my RE. Just note that today is a whole lot better than yesterday. 

You know you are trying to get pregnant when…Someone asks you today’s date and you reply “Day 21″ . . .

As The Fertility Blog Turns

So on this episode of as the fertility blog turns our main star deals with her emotions as her RE not only doesn't call her back about the meds she is suppose to take for the evening nor did she put in the order for the meds I need to start tomorrow, due to the fact that mine runs out today.


Here's the back story. I have had daily appointments since Friday and daily blood draws. I understand this is part of the process and I'm willing to make the sacrifices for the sake of my future child but this RE is gonna make me hurt someone. I spent a good 3 hours crying last night because of her ineptitude. Based on my tentative schedule if all went according to plan I would finish up my stims today and then trigger tomorrow but since my E2 levels and follicles are progressing slowly (supposedly) I need to continue the meds, continue the blood draws and continue those costly appointments. 


Before I left her office yesterday afternoon she told me to wait to hear from her before taking my nightly dose and also expect to hear from the pharmacy to pay for my next shipment that she would request be overnighted so they would be here today in time to take tomorrow morning. Well by 8:00 I had not heard from her. I tried calling her office and the usual after hours answering service didn't answer. I tried her cell (went to a full voicemail) and her "Office Manager's" cell phone (straight to a non setup voicemail). I called the pharmacy (Freedom Fertility) before they closed to see if they had my order so I could pay my copay. They had no record of my RE calling in a new prescription so even if she called within that next half hour before they closed there is no way I would have my meds by the end of today to have for my AM dose tomorrow. 


I was already in tears by then and was still in tears when I finally got her call about 10pm. So blah blah  go ahead and take your same dose, blah blah come in friday instead of thursday and finally blah blah I did call in a new order not sure why they didn't call you or have it. Try again tomorrow morning and just take the meds when they arrive on Friday. After a few more hours of tears and venting to my husband, I just can't believe this situation. I know crappy docs exist. This is my first time having to put my life in someone's hand where I just can't up and go to another doc. I've never had and HMO where I needed a referral to get a second opinion but right now because I'm so far into this cycle I feel like I can't just up and leave. 


Here are my questions: Could the slow progressing levels be because I, do indeed, have a cyst? Is it too late to get a second opinion for this cycle or do I need to just ride this one out? How does the push of the dates affect the fact that DH and I have been taking the Doxycycline? Can I call the lab and get my results from them instead of asking the doc? Does a temporary insanity plea apply if it's premeditated?  


Until tomorrow... this has been....As The Fertility Blog Turns........

A little of the same but less of yesterday

So today, I am in a slightly better place than yesterday but still no closer to any kind of acceptance to this IVF process. I have no idea if I am CD3 or not. The bleeding has stopped. So that's one point in favor of the RE. She also stated that my E2 levels are 583. This is the level of someone who is at day 5 of meds not day 8, as I am currently. My follicles are growing slowly but they are growing. I have another appointment and scan in about two hours so let's see if my slow progress is continuing.


I, personally, don't think that I'll have retrieval this Sunday. I am ok with that. I am understanding that each person is different and, thanks to all those that commented yesterday, I know that sometimes things get pushed back. I just don't want them pushed too far back. My birthday is next Saturday and I'll be darned if I cancel my dinner reservations. It's hard getting a Saturday reservation for that place (The Melting Pot, I say check it out). 

The No Picture Post

Yesterday but a bit trying. I am all kinds of confused with this IVF cycle. Being as this is my first one (and I believe I have lost confidence in my RE) I have no idea what is normal and what I should worry about. Yesterday started my CD1. I would believe that either I shouldn't have at this late stage in the injection cycle or that it should have come earlier. 


If I think about how normal cycles work, CD1 is the shedding of the uterine lining and by CD14 your body should produce and egg from the ovary while the lining is starting to build back up again where it will either wait for an egg to implant or shed again and back to CD1. Now I'm sure I didn't pay alot of attention in High School Health class but I'm sure that's the way things go. SO...If I'm supposed to have an egg retrieval on the 22nd. (5 days from now) shouldn't I NOT be at CD1 but somewhere like CD10?


I asked the RE about it last night at my appointment and the answer was a bit vague. She was slightly shocked to see I was at CD1 (even though my calendar has me as 2 days late) she said I should have some bleeding but not full on bleeding and I told her that this is full on and that I has asked about this at Friday's appointment. Her response was "well it shouldn't matter as you are progressing slowly anyway and the date of the retrieval may need to be pushed back." 


So it seems as my E2 levels are slowly rising and so is the development of my follicles. I really want to trust her but my faith in her is shaky. I don't know what to believe anymore and ultimately I feel like I'm being setup for failure. I can't prove it but I think that because I lack patience every little bump causes me to worry. 


On a more positive note, I am told I have 7 follicles on the left and 11 on the right. Let's see how things so, I have another appointment and scan today.

Forums and Groups

Where do people go these days when they have questions and seek answers from others? There was a time when YahooGroups was all the rage. There was a group for everything. I miss those days. Now I feel like I gotta go find a forum from a specific site or find a blog of a person that I hope has been through what I'm going through. How do you find these sites? I have questions and am desperate for answers. I feel alone. I thank my loyal readers and those that comment but I'm a 'small' blog and really need to find that 'place' to go.  


HELP

Fertility Free Friday #3

This post has a double meaning.


I love watching food shows. Normally, most of them are on the Food Network but I have this passion and love for MasterChef. It's pretty much a Gordon Ramsay show but there are two other judges that are great chefs, Graham Elliot and Joe Bastianich. This season there is this one contestant that has been awesome since her initial meal. She is blind and can blow those with sight out of water. Her name is Christine and I root for her each week. There was this one dish where she had the most visually appealing dish of the group and it prompted the judges to say "Are you sure you're really blind". I urge those that can to check it out on Fox Mondays and Tuesdays at 9. So while this is a fertility free post, I'm not gonna mention any struggles or challenges I'm just gonna say 'you can do beautiful things even if you can't physically see them.'

Not Feeling Well Today

This is how I feel today. Is it the Doxycycline?  I have been taking it since Tuesday morning and not even a half hour after I take it I feel awful. Maybe it's the fact that I took it on an empty stomach and then guzzled down some coffee afterwards. All I know is I just wanna crawl under my desk and stay there the rest of the day.

On a different note, I'm suppose to have my first blood test and ultrasound tomorrow. I am wondering how my ovaries are responding. I am starting to get a 'full' feeling in the area. I don't know if that's my imagination because I want this to work badly or things are happening.

I know this is the land of uncertainty but I'm not use to chaos. I'm one of those people that have a back up plan for my back up plan. This is that point where I have to "let go and let God".

Selective Reductions

This particular topic isn't about me. I have yet to finish my first IVF, none the less have conceived multiples but I am reading this woman's blog where after two years of battling infertility and on her first IVF attempt she became pregnant with quads. She had 2 embryos implanted and one split into identical triplets. One of the triplets didn't make it so now she's carrying twins plus a single. She has to make the toughest decision ever: to reduce or not to reduce. As of right now she has made the decision to reduce. She hasn't stated which she will reduce. Since the twins are identical she can't just reduce one of them so her choice will either leave her with one baby or twins.


I write this post not to bash her decision or even to weight in on what I think she should do but to really think about the "what if" and "what would I do" part of my journey. I am on day 2 of my Menopur/Gonal-F mixture and I am being hit with the reality of this is really happening. In less than two weeks I will be ::cross fingers, pray, light a candle, offer a animal sacrifice, or whatever:: having my egg retrieval and can only imagine having to actually have a choice like that to make. I know my end goal is to have a healthy baby but what about babies. Am I prepared for multiples. After discussing this woman's situation with my husband last night he is no adamant that he only wants one embryo transferred but I'm still not sure. I know the chances of implantation is greater with two but would we be ok with twins or more. Before that blog, he was ok with taking our chances with twins but now not so much. I am nervous about the possibility but he is freaked out. How do I calm his fears? Do I just go with the one embryo for transfer? What are my odds of success with just one transferred? Two? Whew, I've got a lot of research to do.

The Concoction Review

So, my house is still standing and no one is bleeding. All in all, I call that a successful day. The image above is what I started out with this morning. I had to decrease the Lupron to 5 units and then had to mix the Menopur with the Gonal-F. There were 5 vials in total (1 liquid and 4 powder) and it was scary. I wasn't sure I had the correct syringe to begin with as the RE didn't tell me about that. She just explained the needles. I did use the Q-Cap instead of the actual red needle that was suggested. I'll see if I can continue to use the Q-Cap. Once I had it all mixed together, I was able to poke myself. This needle stung a bit and it was quite a different feeling to push 2ccs of liquid than the 5 units of Lupron. So it was successful and hopefully tonight when I go to the RE's office and demonstrate what I did, it would have all been correct. So day 1 part 1 down and 9 days and a total of 19 shots to go.

The Panic Post

See above picture? Well, that's me. I was supposed to have an appointment tonight with my RE and she was supposed to go over phase 2 of this IVF injection process and I was hoping to have a more positive post about all that she went over. Tomorrow morning I'm to start the Gonal F/Menopur mixture and tonight's appointment was gonna show me what went where and which needle to use. Well that's not gonna happen. RE not exactly back from her vacation while she pushed back my appointment to tomorrow I'm still supposed to proceed as planned tomorrow morning with the mixture. "Say WHAT?" Yep, proceed. She gave me phone instructions on what to do but still I'm a tad nervous. Honestly, I think I'll be just fine. I would have rather had the stuff in front of me as she told me what to do so I could be aware of which one is the pink needle and which one is the red one or the best thing which vial is which. Apparently, there are 4 different powered vials I have to mix in total. It sounded like a lab experiment. I don't know nothing about mixing chemicals. My next update will either be I did just fine and all is well or some hazy post about me blowing up my house and accidently stabbing myself in the hand in the process.

Happy After Independence Day

President Thomas Whitmore: Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. "Mankind." That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it's fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom... Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution... but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: "We will not go quietly into the night!" We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day! 

Yeah I know I am late with my Independence Day wishes. On a side note I totally love that movie. I could have been my love of Harry Connick, Jr. or Will Smith funny lines, or that fact that we were saved from total annihilation. The above quote is pretty much how I felt yesterday. I was gonna live on and not go quietly into the night and I was gonna fight.....for my right to have a peaceful day.


After all I have gone through last week and this one I had a peaceful and quiet day. I loved it. Even got the chance to get in two, yes I said two, naps. Our foster daughter is permanently leaving. While I am kinda sad about it, I am tired of dealing with the stress of it. The issue surrounding her deciding to leave was blown way out of proportion that even her worker told her it wasn't something to get worked up about and it had been plaguing on me for sometime now. That stress coupled with the fact that my boss hates me, and well 85% of the 12 people that work for him. So it makes coming to work each day a bit daunting. And let's not forget it was day 2 of Lupron injections. So having a day off in the middle of the work week was well needed.

I loved my Independence Day. I was independently free of stress, worry, snotty teens and mean bosses. I had the chance to hang out with my brother and SIL. Even if it was dinner at their apartment. The crazy thing about that is their air is broken and it was HOT and SWELTERING but it was still the best dinner I have ever had.  We had good food (take out) and a semi B movie (Man On a Ledge) but we still had the best of conversations and we laughed and laughed like we were under the influence of some illegal smoked substance. (But we weren't). It was so nice to hang with another christian couple that just so happen to be family and still enjoy ourselves. 


There was a sad note yesterday. I actually missed the airing of the movie. I always have a chance to watch it. Guess I was having too much fun. Not a bad sad note, huh.

That Wasn't So Bad

Today was my first Lupron injection. I am so happy to finally feel part of the IVF 'club'. I was extremely nervous. I took all my things to the bathroom this morning. Well not the alcohol swabs. I couldn't find them in the medication box. I was starting to panic but then I found them. I had watch the video from Free.dom Pharm.acy so many times I had no problems with the procedure. I did forget where I had swabbed my abdomen and had to do it again. My DH came in, wondering what was taking so long, and saw I was going through the steps. I was about to inject myself when I hesitated. So he said he'd count to three and then I'd do it, but I ended up injecting at 2. It wasn't so bad. I was working myself up for nothing. These shots I can take but I see how it goes when I have to do the IM shots.

Hodge Podge of Things....

I usually don't blog on the weekends but there was so much going on towards the end of the week that I never even had a change to get on the computer.


First, I want to say sorry to those at ICLW whose blog I hadn't read or those that visited and left comments and I didn't have a chance to respond to. I feel really bad as I wanted to be fully committed to show support.


Our 17 year old foster daughter really took us for a loop this week. She ended up in emergency placement elsewhere for the week. Her workers suggestion not really ours. She felt that we all needed a break and boy was she right. I never thought I would be one of those foster parents that didn't care where my 'kid' was but this week was peaceful and I rather enjoyed it. I opened my home for the sole purpose of helping a child in need but what do you do when that child don't want to be helped. I felt like a failure but it took a few days to realize that I wasn't the one who failed. I did all I was suppose to do, gave a home, showed kindness, love and in return if the other person don't want to partake there is nothing I can do.


In other news, there was a huge storm in my area on friday night. Lights were flickering here but thank God not only didn't one of my trees fall but we didn't lose power. Half of my area is still without power and may be out til friday. I felt bad that half my family in the area did lose power and I didn't offer anyone an option to stay over. 


I was able to hit the Old Navy $1 flip flop event on saturday despite the heat and multiple power outages. One store was without power but was able to make my way to another store and make out like a bandit with 26 pairs of flip flops for me and my girls. Never though shopping would be high on my to do list (another post for another day) but it was quite an adventure being up and out the house before 7am on a saturday just to buy flip flops. 


That coupled with 4 assignments for my college classes, a family reunion, vacation bible school wrap up, and a Karate belt ceremony for two of my kids, all this weekend, I never once had the chance to freakout about starting Lupron on tuesday. But I'll be back to that on Monday.


So there's my weekend hodge podge. Have a great week, stay cool and I hope you have power where you are.

And We Have Lift Off

I can officially say I am starting my first IVF cycle. I start my Lupron on next tuesday. After all these months of just wating the official start is here.


The tentative schedule is as follows: 


7/3 Start Lupron 10 Units
7/9 Last BCP contuinue Lupron and have sonogram
7/10 Start stimulation drugs:
        AM: Gonal F 150U with Menopur 150U with 5U of Lupron
        PM: Gonal F 150U with Menopur 150U with 5U of Lupron
        Start Doxycycline 100mg 2x a day for 10 days for me and DH
7/13 Sonogram and Blood work
7/17 Sonogram and Blood work
7/18 Sonogram and Blood work
7/19 Sonogram and Blood work

7/20 Sonogram and Blood work

7/21 Tentative trigger shot

7/22 Tentative Retrieval

7/25 Tenttive 3 day transfer

7/28 My BIRTHDAY

7/29 Post transfer blood work

8/13 Blood PG test

Trying Times

It has been an awful time in our house this weekend and it has all been non-fertility related. Our 17 year old foster daughter as done a complete 180, as far as attitude, this past week. I know I should expect teenagers to be unruly or defiant or just plain ol mad but for the past two years she has been in our home she has been pretty decent. She does give some attitude, bad communication, all a bit sneaky but never combative to the point where I question my willingness to be a foster parent. I look at it like this. I have a 7-seat van. All she's doing is freeing up room in my car for twins. Maybe I don't need that kind of headache. I was dealing with her issues all week but her drama caused me to miss church yesterday and I was almost late for my volunteer duties at Vacation Bible School today. I can't stand when other people have you questioning why you do the things you do and on top of that the person that has me questioning is a child. It also makes me question if I even want a 4th child of my own in my home. On a slightly different note. Tonight, I meet with the RE about me progressing on to the drug phase. If all goes well (no cyst or any other phantom object she sees) I should get a schedule of what to start and when.

Fertility Free Friday #2

Today I have a splitting headache. I decided to quit coffee on Wednesday and that has been the worse decision ever. So today I am cranky and tired and most of all my head hurts. All of that plus I'm at work. I don't want to hear from people and I certainly don't want to fix any complex issues. So on that note I will leave with a bit of humor as to what I am expected to do today.

ICLW #2

Hello ladies from the ICLW. Thanks for dropping by my blog. I am Theresa, 34. DH and I have been together for 16 years now. We do have children but would love to expand our family. I had a tubal 7 years ago. We had two back to back (surprise) pregnancies after years of infertility. Found out later that while I could get pregnant my body doesn't sustain babies well. Once they realized that when I came up pregnant I would need progesterone in order to stay pregnant. I had the tubal afraid that I would get pregnant by surprise again and I had a host of medical issues pilling up as well as weight. Once I had the tubal I knew it was a major mistake. It feels selfish to me but I want one more. It's something I've been wishing for, dreaming about, and praying about for 5 years now. 

My DH saw how much this meant to me and agreed to pay for IVF. We saved and finally found a RE  who wasn't extra expensive, but lo and behold she submitted our paper work to the insurance company and they are actually covering it. But I have found that sometimes the cheap comes out expensive. I have had my slew of problems with this RE and  the road has not been easy. The last 3 months I have battled a cyst, and it was winning until my RE figured maybe it wasn't a cyst after all. (See This Post) Now I am waiting to go back next week to get a med schedule and hopefully finally begin this thing.

Almost two years ago I had Gastric Bypass Surgery. I have lost over 100 lbs which has taken away majority of all my health problems. But now I face a whole set of different problems. They are mostly psychological such as the constant battle to eat right, my struggles to maintain healthy body weight and the fear of will I be able to provide a baby with enough nourishment while pregnant. 

So that's me, this is my journey and I hope you stick around. 

Update Appointment - Progress

First I want to start off by saying I finally managed the courage to ask for a copy of my medical records. I asked the Office Manager/Receptionist and he said it would be no problem just ask the RE since she had my chart. But I think he told her I wanted it. Now I did have an elaborate story (big ol' fat lie) as to why I wanted it but I believe deep down they knew I was thinking about leaving. 

My ultrasound was different this time. The uncomfortable probing I was expecting didn't happen. It felt so half-hearted. I'm not complaining but I was use to the deep poking and prodding that I figured it would be the same. The RE and her assistant were whispering things that had me nervous. "It don't look ovarian". "Check the right one again". I was freaking out. Thinking "Oh God, now they gonna tell me it may be a mass now I'm gonna lose the ovary all together." Once they were done, I braced for the bad news. She said she still sees the cyst there but she doesn't think it's a cyst. She said it looks like it's above the ovary and it may not be a cyst after all. (WTF) So all these months I've been stalled and it may have been for nothing. 

All in all she is going to proceed and I am to come back next Monday with my Lupron kit. I think it's to show me how to start injections but I may not start them til the 10th I'm not sure. Next Monday I'll also get my drug schedule so things are kind of moving along and I am starting to feel that I am actually part of an IVF process.

CD#1 Again

So that has come and rolled around again. I have called to schedule the good ol' routine cyst check and will do blood work tomorrow. This cycle will be different. I have since started crushing up my BCPs and will see where that gets me. Hopefully, no cyst on CD19. Other than that no news. 


My DH wanted to go out checking for a 'better' car this past weekend. We have a truck that seats 7 and right now we (He, I, our kids and foster kid) seems to fit we have no trunk space what so ever. We wanted to see what was out there as far as our options. We haven't told the kids we are actively trying. DH doesn't want to get their hopes up but each one as expressed a want for a new sibling. So, while out we spoke to sales people about needing space for suitcases for when we travel. Yet at one point he says "oh yeah this has plenty of room for a stroller". I yell out "SUITCASE, SUITCASE". Only one child picked up on it. She's old enough to have put two and two together now but it really doesn't impact her so she doesn't care that we are keeping the secret. She's our 17 year-old foster child and she is glad for us and all but she's more focused on her future than anything right now. But the sales guy did look at us pretty weirdly though. 

Fertility Free Friday #1

I don't have much for my premier edition of Fertility Free Friday. So let's start with some mundane info on me.


Right now there really isn't much going on with my home life. Everyone is going through the motions, school has ended for the kids but there isn't much planned right now for summer break. I am trying to finish up two classes to earn a second bachelor's degree. First one is in Information Technology but I've grown to hate computers over the years so I am getting a degree in Psychology. My hope is to start graduate school either this January or Fall of 2013. 


My eldest, who is 15 often states that our family needs to have a reality show as there is some craziness going on at home but that's due to the hectic schedules they keep with sports and our dog and 5 (yes I said 5) cats. The story behind that will be a whole different F3 post. 


There's my humdrum. Til Monday!

Am I Selfish or Just Judgmental (child ment.)

I have briefly mentioned having other children but I don't really go into detail out of respect for those that don't have any yet. Today, however I have to give background information to get to my point. My 7-year old daughter is a very kind-hearted child. She loves babies and is one of the reasons why it's hard for me to get over my need for another. She is always asking for a baby sister or brother, tries to hold other people children, and hounds me constantly about babysitting other family members kids. She loves babies. Ironically, if you ask her she don't want any kids of her own. 

I started recording Make Room for Multiples on my DVR for her and we watch it together. (Yes I know it's torture for me) One of the episodes I watched yesterday (we watched 4) had a lady that had a 3-year old son (conceived naturally), a 21-month old daughter (conceived from clomid) and was now about to have triplets (conceived by IUI). Don't seem to bad, right. Well not to me. Her 21-month old has spinal bifida and requires constant care. According to Wikipedia. these are the physical symptoms: 

Physical signs of spina bifida may include:

• Leg weakness and paralysis
• Orthopedic abnormalities (i.e., club foot, hip dislocation, scoliosis)
• Bladder and bowel control problems, including incontinence, urinary tract infections, and poor renal function
• Latex allergy
• Pressure sores and skin irritations
• Abnormal eye movement

My bleeding heart (and judgmental mind) feels that if the mom wanted more, she really should have waited a few years to get her bearings on the two she had before bringing any more in the mix. The 21-month old will have a lifetime of problems and may never function on her own. But then that started me thinking about my own wants over needs and my selfish quest for another baby. My oldest is 15. He is about to be a junior in high school and will have his first prom, want to go to driving school and get a car. Next year he will be a senior with class dues, prom, graduation, college application fees. My two daughters are 7 and 9. They are growing like weeds and are girly girls who want pretty frilly clothing and shoes to match. They all have sports (football, cheerleading, karate). My middle child loves taking art classes, sees a reading tutor and wears (overpriced) glasses. Do I really want to add a new baby or babies to our household, where? Adding a new baby is costly too. There is purchasing of equipment and clothing, not to mention newborn daycare rates are a monster. We are doing ok financially but any little economy twist or turn could change that. Right now, at the end of the day, our bills are paid but one never knows what's around the corner. 

I can walk away with either lesson learned from that show, 1) Don't stress your hand if you don't need to or 2) Things will work out if you have faith. I don't know what happen to that mom after the camera stopped rolling. I don't know if today she's got everything all balanced out and each kid is decently taken care of or if she has lost it and the special needs child is the one suffering. I know I need to take, yet another, look at my plans and really make sure an addition or additions will be right for my family and not just for my own selfish needs. But most importantly, I don't know if I was bothered by the show because secretly I am selfish and just recognized my actions or if I'm just judgmental and need to just sit back and watch the show and mind my own business.

You Learn Something New Each Day

I have just been beside myself in regards to this cyst. Also with the E2 reading from my last appointment. I have found tons of information about what the levels should be on CD1 and while on the IVF medication but nothing in regards to just everyday life. I posted to a fertility forum and other questions came up. Some speculate that the cyst wasn't a cyst but a follicle about to release an egg and that the RE's antiquated machinery is just that, antiquated. I may feel slightly better about the fact that maybe I'm not being haunted by a cyst but just bad imagery. 


On a different note, and the actual reason for this post, since I have had gastric bypass surgery it is reminded that my pill absorption isn't that great. I was told to crush my BCPs for better effectiveness. I have no idea why I didn't think about that. I do that when I have to take any pain meds. Why wouldn't I do that with these? It was so simple and I feel so stupid that I didn't think about that last month. UGH. 


So here we sit, lesson learned, new insights gained and hopefully, no cyst next cycle.