Crying Toddlers and 8dp5dt

Have you ever seen a crying toddler. You know the ones that have obviously missed their nap and now is so uncontrollable that all you can do is cringe and feel really bad for that kid's mom. Here's a sample pic:

This is how I feel on the inside. I feel like I have missed a nap and now I want to fall on the floor, kick, scream and cry. Almost every day for about a month now I have jolted up at 5:45 for no good reason. My alarm doesn't go off until 6. I have no idea why as I don't need to wake up until 7. I don't know if this is a PG sign or if that lacks of sleep is catching up with me. All I know is I'm sleepy, I'm at work and I can't take a nap for 3 and a half more hours.

Test update: I have no clue if I'm PG or not. I promised DH I wouldn't test until Monday. I hate when I make promises that I really shouldn't make. He says I have no patience for waiting especially if it's a surprise for me. He's right. I don't like waiting. Ps. Don't ever tell me secret and then tell me don't tell. I will implode and probably tell your secret to a minimum of 10 people within the 10 minutes after you tell me not to tell. 

The Work Post and 7dp5dt

I am doing my best to get through this work week. It has been a trying one. I have a coworker, whom I shall call Mr. Grumpy Pants. He doesn't like it when others around him make too much noise yet you can hear his phone conversations throughout the entire office. Plus, he is very rude and condescending to our customers. I spend a good deal of my day trying to stay calm and not tell him he's a hypocrite. 

I say all that to say there is a 'war' in the office today over the air conditioner. Mr. Grumpy Pants is too hot and I want to guess his porridge is too cold. He keeps making a big stink about it. Emails upon emails have gone out regarding this. Meanwhile, I'm in my office with a fluffy sweater and a space heater. If I don't have the heater on my nose get's red and my hands become  icicles. When I walked in this morning he told me not to turn on my heater today as they were gonna check the temperatures of the office to see why his area is too hot and they think that personal heaters are bring up the temperature. First, let's remind all he's my COWORKER not my boss.

I'm feeling all kinds of defiant and crabby today (even though it seems like such a petty thing to fuss about). SOOOO, the heaters running. 

On a different hormonal front. I'm 7dp5dt and have yet to POAS. I'm still scared and terrified that the FET wasn't successful. I am going to the bathroom more but haven't seen any signs of implantation bleeding. The 'girls' were sore but not as much anymore. AF is due today but with the Estradiol patch and pills I'm on I'm thinking that may make AF not show up. Right?

Well that's all I got for today. Sorry it's been such a no-good-post kinda week.

An Idle Mind is.....

....Apparently not what I have. My DH has spent the entire weekend keeping me busy. I think I was worrying him to death about my fears and when I should test. So here's the weekend recap.

First thing Saturday I took my oldest C. out to get more practice in for his driver's test. We then went to the MVA and he passed with flying colors. Just like he knew and said he would. (darn cocky kids) The test was different from when I took it. Well I guess things would have changed in the 20 years since I've gotten my license. They do some things on a course, parallel parking and backing into a vertical parking space (like one would park at the mall. yeah, all kids should know that one.) Then they go out on the street. My son said once the instructor knew he was able to drive the guy was just texting away on his cell phone. Geesh Mister thanks for making sure my son was safe.

Next was a trip to my brother's house. He and his wife are pretty much the coolest couple we know. I apologize in advance to my BFF and her DH. I have to rank family first. They helped fill the day with a cookout at SIL's mother's house, then dinner at the Tilted Kilt and then off to see Man of Steel (I had mixed feelings about this movie but that post is for another time). By the time we got home I was tuckered out. It was a day of laughs, fun, and certainly good company.

Sunday after church we have a tradition of going to Costco to shop for food and household items. It's also a good way to get snacks before lunch. But today, since DH is in distraction mode we headed to his parents house. They live about 45 mins to an hour past our house, depending on traffic. They live not to far over Maryland's Bay Bridge. Sunday+Summer=Backed up bridge. I took the time to read some blogs on the ipad. But then all the fun started. I had to help configure FIL's cell phone with his work email, uninstall IE10, reset his wireless password, add the wireless to his cell phone, setup his pc on his new desk, change the ink in the printer oh and explain how to use the new cell phone with the now configured email. Can we say busy work.

For my troubles DH took me to dinner. Then I came home and cooked "dinner". I put some stuff in my crock pot for a beef stew so tonight's dinner is done. And again I was tuckered out. Weekend is done. DH didn't hear not one word about fertility, testing, embryos, nada. His peace will last for another day.

Whew, I'm just tired writing about my weekend. QOTD: How do you handle the TWW?

Scattered Post

There's so much hodge podgeness going on today.

My department made this huge announcement to folks that they can no longer use their employee number to access company webs applications. They must now use a username that they may or may not have already setup. So folks are confused and the phone has been ring off the hook all day. Needless to say I'm annoyed but I handle it with a smile and secretly wish I could call them names and hang up. But I don't cause I'm a good girl :-)

Then to top it off my pants feel tight around the abdomen. I love these pants they use to fit so perfectly. Could this be an expanding uterus. Ooh Ooh please say it is. I'd hate to have gained any more lbs and it not be cause of a baby. Freaky thing is no one at work (except my boss) knows I'm TTC but one coworker keeps making comments about "the baby". I'd go" Dang I really could use a snack." He says "maybe it's the baby". I'm like WHAT!!! Or yesterday I said "Oh my gosh I have a pain in my side". He said "maybe the baby's kicking". Again...WHAT!! It's freaky. Does he know something? Is he psychic? Do I have paranoia? So many questions to explore.

I'm suppose to take my oldest to take his driver's test tomorrow. He has already made plans for afterwards. Wow, presumptuous much. He called me at work today to tell me all the things he has planned for tomorrow. Good one son. Let's see you get your license first. I believe he can do it. I've watched him do a mock course and it seem good but kids these days are a bit cocky.

It has been mentioned to me a few times, once here on the blog, that maybe I could test early. I'm really scared to do so. I've been told not to think about last cycle but focus on the positive of this one. That only sounds easy. Maybe the fact that next week I have to work 7 days straight will keep me busy and I'll forget about testing.....or  not.

ICLW #5

Hello All, I haven't participated in ICLW since about this time last year. My background can be found here and an update can be found here. If you don't want to read that all the short version is as follows:

I'm Theresa, 35, DH and I have been married for 12 years together for 17. We currently have 3 kids (16, 10, 8). I had some fertility help with the 10 and 8 year olds.  I had a tubal 8 years ago thinking I was done but I'm a woman and we change our minds. I did IVF#1 with an awful RE and it failed. I took a year off, stewing in anger, and just had my one frozen embryo implanted two days ago. 

This is where we now are. I take my beta test on July 1st but something tells me I'll POAS Sunday the 30th. 

If I do become pregnant my biggest hurdle will be the gastric bypass surgery I had almost 3 years ago. I'd want to provide the best nutrition for my baby as possible but I'm terrified of gaining weight.

I try to post often and I try be witty but sometimes both don't happen at the same time. Welcome to my life, it's great to have you here.

De-Frosty On Board

I had my transfer today. I'm so nervous that its not gonna work. I have been fretting about this for days. July 1st is beta day and I promised my DH I wasn't gonna test early. Why did I make that promise. I'm sure I probably lied to him.  I know me. I'll probably test the 31st.

The procedure was in the same place the old RE used. It ironically is new RE's place but old RE "used" the facility. He completely explained everything. The frosy well now de-frosty was a 4BB. I'm not sure if I was told this before but I thought it was a 5BB.  He assured me my de-frosty was fine. 

As usual my DH looked like someone was hurting him so I kept asking if he was ok. So again I'm almost upside down with this doctor dude in my good parts and I have to make sure DH is ok. I know that hospitals and hospital settings completely freaks him out so I'm ok making sure he's ok. 

My main question would be: is 10 days too soon to test?  That does worry me. Isn't it called the two-week wait?

Answered Questions and Other Updates

Update from my last post, the RE said I should have my transfer this upcoming Wednesday. Also the answers to my questions.

• The 27 days cycle doesn't matter. The medication is dictating my cycle so it's not a big deal. We are doing a transfer of frozen embryos and it would have only made a difference if it was a full IVF cycle. 
• My breast sensitivity is all normal. Because of the gastric bypass, I'm being pumped full of extra extra doses of estrogen. So, yup, gonna hurt.
• He called in my progesterone before I left the office and gave me a week supply to start. 

I'm really excited but at the same time I'm scared that this isn't gonna work and I'll be done. We aren't gonna try again so with this being my last shot I don't even want to get my hopes up. I almost wish I had two embryos left. At least then I would feel a little better. You know that age old expression "never put all your eggs in one basket" well that's what it feels like. My only egg in one basket going on a roller coaster and it's gotta make it to the end of the ride.

In other news, school is officially out for my other children. Two will be going to all-day daycare and they will get to go on field trips and do fun things while I'm stuck at work. The older ones goes for his driver's licence next week so I'm sure we won't see him much this summer.

I has signed up to take a summer class for grad school but it was cancelled due to low enrollment. So it's just me and my musings for the summer. I hope to be able to post more interesting (non fertility) things.

This and That kind of questions......

Tomorrow I have my appointment with the RE to determine the thickness of my lining so we can see if we can proceed with the FET on Tuesday. I am really nervous. With my attempt at IVF before it was months and months of appointments, tons of needle sticks and then the retrieval. This just doesn't seem real. 

So these are just a few questions I have for tomorrow's appointment: 

• Should I be concerned that I normally have a 27 days cycle instead of 28? Will this affect anything? Should I have mentioned this before?
• Is is normal to have a huge amount of breast sensitivity with just the estrogen I have been taking? I mean this is crazy. They really hurt.
• Should I have ordered some progesterone by now? I'm getting nervous that this isn't really gonna happen?

I am really nervous. This is my last chance. Please keep me in thoughts and prayers.

Still A Hater

I work next to a hospital. As I was leaving early today, walking to the garage I had to walk past the front entrance of the hospital. There was a car with a lady loading "things" into her car. A nurse was also helping her stuff balloons into her trunk. There was about 4 or 5 of them. Some said congratulations, some said its a girl. All I could think about is walking over and using my keys to bust each and every Mylar balloon saying "here let me help you get them in the trunk". Wow hate much?  Does it count that I'm aware of my problems?  You know they say its the first step in getting help.  

Mad Tired...coming unglued

Since my last post I can say I've had a trying week. I briefly mentioned that our latest foster caught had left but I haven't had a chance to state the reasoning behind her exit. I'm still trying to figure out the legalities before posting that story. But overall I haven't even sleeping. It's been a tad stressful. Also, due to my previous gastric bypass surgery (over two years ago) I am on a double (maybe triple) dose of estrogen for the upcoming FET.  All I wanna do is sleep, cry and clean stuff. All of which is so not like me. I feel like I've come unglued.

I also mentioned a job change. I am still in the I.T. field but instead of going out within our company to fix computers I do remote support answer work. So I'm mostly at my desk all day. Some guy called the other day and asked for someone who was not on the list of names in my department and then went to criticize me when I noted I wasn't gonna look her up. We have a few thousand people working at my company as a whole. My I.T. department on supports our department and I am not directory assistance. So I told him where he could stick his insult. 

I have no idea what has gotten into me lately but all I know is I need a break. I have a RE appointment Thursday to see if we are progressing. I'll update on that after. Right now,  I'm gonna go take a nap. 

I have Returned (very long post)

It has been almost a year since my last post. I'm not even sure if anyone is still following this blog but so much has happened in the last nine months that I felt I need to get this out not for anyone else but mostly me.

Let's start with everyday life. I got my second bachelors degree and have started graduate school. I completed my first semester there and need to decide if I want to do Family Counseling or School Counseling. I love children but not sure if the school setting would be better or just dealing with families as a whole would be better. That's something to explore in this journey.

I started a new job just before Christmas. Which was stupid. I don't want to be in the IT field anymore but yet I continue to take advanced positions that will make it harder, financially, when I have to start looking for a job in my field. But the schedule is flexible and this boss is a lot nicer than my old one. She doesn't make me want to gouge her eyes out like the last one did.

My oldest is about to get his driver's license. That makes me feel so old especially since I'm approaching a birthday next month. I realize I'm actually closer to 40 than to 30. My youngest just finished a stint with winter cheerleading. That comprised of twice a week practice and competitions on either Saturdays and Sundays for about 5 months. We had to put our middle daughter's swim lessons on hold because of the rigorous cheer schedule. And it doesn't take a psych major to know that the middle kids often get overlooked and could cause problems. So she tends to be mean to her sister. They are 8 and 10 and can usually solve their own issues but I don't want them to grow up and hate each other like me and my sisters.

The foster daughter we had last year left and within the last month we gained a new one. The new one was in our home about 6 weeks and we had to let her go. There's a whole post that could go towards that. It wasn't pretty and I think I could have handled things better. Overall, I refuse to have my home controlled by a 16 year old. I don't let my biological kids run my house so she couldn't either.

Speaking of kids. My year with my one frozen embryo in storage is coming up. My DH and I started talking about it before I started the new job. He was still pissed about the last IVF cycle. I don't blame him I was reeling. It took almost a month for me to actually get my records from the last RE and of course on each and every page there was mention of my elective tubal ligation. She knew that my insurance would not cover IVF after a tubal so I'm still trying to figure out what she sent to them that got me approval in the first place. Anywhere I took my records would have to send that in to my insurance company and they would surely reject any authorization requested. It took a few months of convincing my DH to try again. I contacted the office that holds my one solo embryo and had an appointment. I took the paperwork and mentioned I want to try and FET, if he could get insurance approval great if not then self-pay it is.

I have started the meds and have an appointment next week to see how my lining is and if all is well then tentative transfer is scheduled for the 18th. This is my one shot. I'm gonna leave life as is. I know I'm blessed to have the kids we have. I will not be selfish and ungrateful but my one embryo deserves a shot at a real life. They say the grading is a 5BB. I think that's good but it's in the Lord's hands now.

I will continue to blog about my life. This will not be a whine fest about fertility. My fertility issues are my fault. I will not be a Negative Nancy but I will complain when things in life get met down. I'm still human. I will bounce back and report the good stuff too.

On a sad note: New RE told me old RE died. She passed away about 3 months ago. I feel really bad about it. I know I really hated her work ethics and the way she put me though hell but she left behind 3 teenage children and I know how life can suck at that age but to loose your mom on top of that stinks. I really really disliked her as a doctor and never ever wanted to see her or have anyone I know see her but should have died an old woman not from cancer. It seems to be taking a lot of folks these days.