Thursday, May 31, 2012

Am I Doing Something Wrong?

Back when I was pissed about AF arriving early. (As seen here). I was one day short of finishing the active pills of my BCP. I don't usually take the non-active pills. I was concerned when I started early but the RE said that was no problem and normal. I waited the week and then started the BCPs again. Starting them was on CD8. Based on my calculations (or rather my iPhone app) I would normally ovulate the 25 to the 30. Which I swear it 'feels' like I did yesterday. Is that normal? Isn't that the purpose of BCP to not ovulate or is it suppose to stop something else? I don't know if that's what I'm suppose to not let happen and as of right now I'm scheduled to start Lupron on Tuesday. Is my body just not responding to the pills? I know these are questions I need to ask my RE but the internet is so much more easier to talk to.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

The Twin Debate

I think I have mentioned before that one of the biggest fears I have about IVF is ending up with twins. I also have mentioned that I have a supportive husband. We when you put the two in the same conversation things have been rocky. My DH loves me and he has made that abundantly clear during this process. Especially since babies scare him. Never mind the fact that he has raised 3 children with me (and did a great job when they were infants) they still scare him. In his family I think there has only been 4 people born after him. One is 1 year younger, one is 8 years younger and two are just over two. He is more terrified of having twins than I am. There is a set on his side of the family (they were naturally conceived and are the two just over two born to the person who is a year younger than him) and my sister (who underwent IVF) has a set. 

We have spent a great deal of time with my sister since her babies have been born, they are almost 2 now. DH has been uneasy around them but he picks them up and plays with them, but never any diaper changes or helps with feedings. While having a conversation with my sister this past weekend (most of my family don't know about us and the IVF plans so she and I usually only talk about it on the phone or messenger) I told her about my dream from last week about having twins and how it partially scared the snot out of me and my DH decides to chime in from the other room, "I'm mentally preparing myself for twins, so I'm good". I wasn't prepared for that. 

When did he become ok? He even had me go through the hospital release forms with a fine tooth comb (twice) to make sure we could request 1 embryo to be transferred. I've been so worried that he would be upset if I didn't demand 1 embryo, I never thought he would 'come around'.  

I know that transferring two gives us better odds of having one 'stick'. So the big question of the day:  Is there any reason why I should only demand one to be transferred over two? 

Monday, May 28, 2012

Dreams and Baby Magazines

The other night I dreamt that I had twins. I was really excited about them but I kept telling my husband that I wanted to have a baby and he kept trying to tell me that I had two. I don't understand why I would have them and then not know they were there. The weird part about it was that it was twins. That's the one thing about IVF that freaks me out. I know they say you tend to dream about things you want and nightmares are of things you fear but what would this one mean?

On another weird note, a few months ago my DH started receiving baby magazines in the mail. Some how he ended up with a subscription to a few of these free mags. He didn't sign up for them and neither did I. It's weird that they just started showing up. I don't know if I should be upset about them or someone has wishful thinking.  Part of me thinks 'oh this is great, now I don't have to sign up myself when I get pregnant'. Then part of me is thinking 'this is gonna suck if this IVF doesn't work'. I'm a bit indifferent about this. The whole irony of the thing is it's in my DH's name and not mine. How odd!

Friday, May 25, 2012


Just found out that my insurance company is covering my IVF procedure. I don't know how or why but I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth. I didn't think it was covered but apparently the RE had submitted my info to them and they gave her a pre-authorization. I had feelings that she was a bit shady with me regarding that cyst. I was really mad that I she hadn't mentioned it on all those other ultrasounds she had done and then all of a sudden BAM! this huge cyst appeared out of no where. Maybe she was just stalling until the info came back. If so I would have preferred for her to say she was stalling waiting for them. Either way I'm grateful for the insurance company. Apparently, I'm approved for three rounds but I really hope this one works. Maybe now my DH will let me get the New iPad.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Update On That Stupid Cyst

I called the RE office Monday and yesterday to see what they wanted to do about my CD10 problem. It either had to be earlier or wait til CD 13. Yesterday I finally got a call back. Actually it was more of a text from the Office Manager asking if I was free today from 1 - 2:30. What I wanted to say was "Ahh, no I'm not free I am at work at that time over 30 miles away." But what I actually said was "Yes, I can be there by 1:30."

All day today I had to sit around work and wait. One O'clock rolled around and I bolted out of work at my lunch hour, flew to the RE office, speeding the whole way. I was almost shaking in the waiting room just thinking of all the ways she would tell me that the cyst was still there. I just knew it. I was so in shocked in when said THE CYST WAS GONE. I just couldn't believe my ears. She said I needed to start the BCP again this Sunday and come in on June 4th to make sure again that sucker was still gone and I could start my Lupron on the 5th. I didn't even care that June 4th is DH's birthday. He can spend it at the RE office. That's where I will be. I have finally made it to Step 2 or would this be Step 1. Whatever......I was doing the happy dance all the way back to work. See.....

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Supportive Husbands (pg mention)

I have been reading a lot (and I mean a lot) of blogs lately since I've started this IVF process. There are a couple in particular that mention their unsupportive husbands. I can't believe some of the stuff I have read. It has been down right sad. I can see if it was a situation like mine. We have other children and I want to add to our family. Some would say we have enough children and my husband could argue the same and then not want to go through the IVF or TTC process. But these women are TTC#1 and I would think that a husband would understand a woman's need to procreate and if they agreed to try before why change your mind now. It breaks my heart to read their stories. I understand how I feel about wanting more children and I know what goes through my mind when I'm invited to baby showers or hear about some stupid teenager that got knocked up and think she wants to play house. But for someone who don't have other children at home, who has been trying and suffering miscarriages and years of BPN, it must be devastating.

I talked to my husband about a couple of the things I read and asked "If I wanted more kids and you really weren't on board, would you still support me." His response was "Yes because I see how badly you want it, how can I say no." He admitted that he really don't want more kids (we have 3 of our own and 1 foster) but this is something I have felt so strongly about for years now, how could he deny me what I have been feeling. I was very grateful for his honestly and also thanked him for being here for me. For those that are not only are struggling with infertility and an unsupportive spouse, all I can say is my heart goes out to you. I wish things could be better and maybe (don't hate me for saying this) your husband is a tad too selfish to stay married to. IMHO of course.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Welcome ICLW

Hi, I'm Theresa. DH and I are trying for another baby. Here's a rundown. I had a tubal 7 years ago and realized shortly thereafter it was a huge mistake. After years of figuring that our family was just done, IVF came into the picture. We are now just waiting for a stupid cyst to go way. In a nutshell that's it. Welcome.

Better Head Space

I am in a better head space today. I think last week I was chuck full of emotions last week. I would like to blame the BCP and AF for my craziness. I realized some point that I was having some emotional issues when I envisioned myself ripping my desk phone out of the wall and hitting my co-worker in the face with it. Now, I know that seems pretty violent and while he most certainly would have deserved it and a whole bunch more from several of us, that is so not me. When AF arrived on Friday I shouldn't have been surprised. Today, my goal is to be level headed and call the RE office and figure out what they want to do with CD10 as today was suppose to be CD1 instead of 4. Then I'm gonna pray real hard that this cyst is gone.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Too mad to find an appropriate title

Is it possible for a person to reject BCPs? I have never been a fan of 'controlled medication' The kind that you have to take every day or else. I can never seem to remember to take them. But last month I was put on them and missed a day. When I went to see the RE with the hopes of starting the injectables it was discovered I had a cyst. That thing has been the bane of my existence. So when I was told I had to take them again this month I figured ok last month was all my fault. I'm gonna be diligent and take them suckers on time and every day. I have done well, didn't miss one single day. I have one more day left and then it's back to the wait game. Wait for CD1 so I can schedule an appointment for CD10 to check on the cyst. I'm cool with that. My RE sticks by a nice schedule so I was ready. But no! Today somehow is CD1. Are these pills even effective. I still have pills left. How can my cycle have started already? Aren't these pills suppose to stop that from happening until I start the dummy pills? Now this throws off the entire schedule. Instead of being able to go in on the 31st which would have been CD10, I may be screwed. Now CD10 is a Sunday. That next day is Memorial Day and I have a mandatory training I can not miss that Tuesday. Just great. I am mad and the bad thing is I'm not even sure what I'm mad about: the cyst, the pill or my body for causing all the trouble in the first place.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Anxiously Still Waiting

This has been my mantra for the last three months. I'm just waiting. Right now, it's for CD1 so I can call to schedule an appointment for CD10 for a cyst check. I'm really tired of this wait game. While complaining about it last night my husband did the obligatory pat on the shoulder and told me "Don't worry it will happen" speech. This has felt like the longest 28 days of my life. I think it should be obvious that I am not a patient person. 

I had a dream a few nights ago where I was in the RE office and she was checking for the cyst and she told me that it has completely taken over both my ovaries and that now I had no ovaries left. It was very odd as she seemed happy about it. All this wait has my imagination in overdrive. GO AWAY CYST. 

Monday, May 14, 2012

How Much Do You Trust Your RE?

I have been in the waiting limbo for two cycles now. It's driving me crazy to just sit in a stall. What's the point of attempting IVF If I'm just gonna sit and wait. I understand, now, that I'm waiting for this cyst to go away my crazy emotional thinking has got me thinking it may be something shady with my RE. Maybe she has other patients that she had rather dealt with or maybe she sees me as a lost cause and just wanna keep milking my money until the very end. I just don't know what to think but I feel vested cause of all the testing I've done and the money shelled out so far.

Last week just before my appointment I got a call from her office asking if I could change my appointment. I had already been changed from Monday to Wednesday. Now they were asking me to change again. When I told them I couldn't change the time then the story then changed to "oh you don't need to come until cycle day one." and my response was "no, I'm suppose to come in to check to see if my cyst is gone so I can start the injectables." After going a few rounds with the office staff, I was transferred to my RE and then went a few rounds with her. She did see me and promptly said that the cyst was still there and call back cycle day one.

While I feel that the doctor wouldn't go forward if there was a hint that something would go wrong, I just can't help but feel that she's trying to delay me. I know it seems stupid to doubt her but I just feel uneasy. Even when she showed me the cyst, I had no idea what I was looking at and I just had to take her at her word but just felt slighted. Maybe its because I was told it's a no go for this cycle. No one wants to hear a no. I would like to start IVF and be just one step closer to my prize. Am I just over-reacting because I'm antsy?

And the bigger question is: How much do YOU trust your RE?

Thursday, May 10, 2012


Currently there isn't anything interesting going on with our baby progress. I am on BCPs and waiting for this cyst to go away. I am interested in finding some alternative method. It is very discouraging to go to each appointment just to see if the darn thing is gone only to find it not only still there but slightly bigger. About 10 days ago it was 22 mm(?). (Not sure if that is the right measurements. Would mm be right?) Yesterday, it was 28. I've been on BCPs for two months now and all I find is I'm an emotional wreck.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

My Infertility Story

About seven years ago, my husband and I had our third child. We thought all was great and we were done. We were blessed as we only had minor issues. The first, our son, was conceived with no problems at all and he was born healthy. We had trouble getting pregnant, or so we thought with number 2. After some test it was shown I suffered from PCOS and insulin resistance. Also apparently, I would get pregnant but didn't have enough progesterone in my body to sustain the pregnancy. We found out because we were about to start clomid but the pre-pill pregnancy test showed I was pregnant. Within days I miscarried. Two months later we were about to start the clomid again but I was pregnant again and still with low progesterone. I was put on a progesterone supplement and baby number 2, a girl, was born. She had a serious bout of jaundice when she was born but overall healthy.

A little over a year later I wasn't feeling so well, pregnancy test revealed I was pregnant again. Also again with low progesterone. Supplements again and number 3, another girl, was born. She was a 9lb baby and while I didn't have gestational diabetes, I was officially diagnosed with diabetes just after she was born. It isn't known just how many miscarriages I have had. Because of the severity of pain I experience with menstrual cycles and how far apart my cycles were the doctor speculated I may have had a few and just mistook them for a menstrual cycles.

After number 3, I had my tubes tied. I didn't want to have any other miscarriage and we figured that three probably was enough. I know it is a blessing that we have three. There are so many people trying for just one and here I am wishing for one more. I wasn't two years later when I felt that our family wasn't complete. I thought about a tubal reversal but couldn't find a doctor in Maryland that would do it. When I finally found a doctor I was told my tubes were tied at a very bad point for a reversal. I gave up the idea of another baby.

Someone suggested IVF and my DH expressed some apprehension about the cost.  He knew how much this has meant to me and so he figured we'd find a way. I have this strong desire for one last child. It has been on my mind and has plaguing me for about 5 years now. I can't see babies on tv, around town, or even see other people pregnant without feeling that I am missing a great part of me. I love my other 3 children and love spending time with them and taking them to their never-ending rounds of activities but I feel that something is missing. Again, I know I'm blessed but what do you do when you feel that strongly about another child? Should I just count my blessings and give up or do all that I can for just one more?

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Introduction To My World

I am Theresa. I am 34 and married with 3 kids. When I had my first child it was 7 years before I got pregnant again. While I didn't really gain that much weight with him I did have a bit more time to lose the weight than when I got pregnant with number 3.

My girls are 2 years apart, almost to the day and while I figured I would lose the weight after the first one was born, it was a total shock to find number 3 on the way. So with the weight from number 2 and then the added weight of number 3, I was diagnosed with Diabetes within two months of number 3's birth. I had been battling PCOS and Insulin Resistance for years between number 1 and number 2. So with a Diabetes diagnosis, joint problems, and an expanding weight, enough was enough.

September of 2010, I had Gastric Bypass surgery. In the year and a half since surgery I have lost 100 lbs. I have no desire to lose more and do all that I can to maintain my current weight of 145.

And because my life isn't stressful enough, my husband and I would like to have number 4. But due to a tubal ligation of mine our only option is IVF. Welcome to my world.