Needed To Clear My Head

Sorry, I haven't had the chance to read any blogs lately or have I taken the time to sit down and post. I feel so overwhelmed right now with decisions that I need to make.

With my insurance, I have 2 rounds left. DH is now a bit apprehensive about paying for IVF unlike before. So I believe that I may only have those 2 rounds left. If I can't convince him to pay. I was thinking about going back to the old RE just for that one frosty but that will leave me with just 1 round if it doesn't work. I have an appointment with the big RE office, just as a consultation but I still need to get my records from the old RE in order to do so. I hate confrontation so I'm a bit nervous about asking for my records. But I need to do something before the 30th of this month. I told the RE that I would contact her on Monday as to whether I decided between a new fresh cycle or that one frozen and today is now Wednesday. Clearly, I haven't make a decision.

My heart is so conflicted about what to do and my DH's response is he'll go along with whatever I feel comfortable with. Fine time to respect my decisions. Let's argue about it and you have a strong opinion and try to make me see it your way. I don't wanna make the decision alone. And that's how I feel, alone. I have to make this choice myself and it sucks. I think the stress of this is making me physically ill. Anyone want to add their 2-cents. I'm considering any and all opinions right now.

IVF #1 a bust

As the title reads my beta resulted in a BFN.

It wasn't a shock to me I was just ready to hear the news so I can figure out what to do next. The RE suggested another fresh cycle. I wasn't sure as I still have that one frozen embryo. I decided to call my insurance company to see how things were covered with the fresh and frozen cycles. They still consider frozen an attempt.

I have some hard choices to make. I have a 5-day blast and I love that. I wanted to do a 5-day any way but I only have 1. Do I take my chances with the 5-day or try again with her, knowing that she's gonna try and have me do a 3-day again? Do I get forceful and demand a 5-day? Do I leave her altogether for a bigger clinic? If I leave I have to tell her to cancel the prior authorization with the insurance company so the new clinic that get authorization for the two rounds I have left. I don't want her to be pissed and drag her feet. Also, would it mean leaving my frosty behind or will the new clinic be able to get it?

Anyone who has read this blog longer than 2 days knows about the troubles I have had with her office. I do believe she knows what she is doing but I question some of her actions and the fact that she's the only 'person' in her practice. I want to be able to call someone and talk to someone. I want to feel that I am making decision and being a part of my fertility not find out stuff after the fact, like how I found out ICSI was used and don't think there was a real reason to do so.

I have a lot of thinking to do.

PS. Is it bad that I am excited that I found a image to represent BFN?

Remember That Roller Coaster (The TMI Post)

TMI References. Don't read any further if you don't want the gory details. :-0. I warned you.


I hate that infertility leaves a person with so many more questions as each day and cycle passes. Right now I'm kinda scared to go to the bathroom. I see blood and I'm not sure if I am to be happy or scared that it's there. It's not a whole lot but as each day passes (some on Saturday then the most has been since Monday) I  don't know if it's implantation or miscarriage or start of AF. Saturday was a speck here and there. Sunday nothing. Monday when I wiped it was not a lot but noticeable. As the week has progressed it has become more and more. It's not enough to change a pantyliner more than twice in a day but is this normal? Dr. Google said it could be but I have never experienced anything like this before. Could it be this much because of the three embryos? I'm confused and as usual it it taking an up and down toll on me.

These Roller Coaster Rides

That is what I have been on these last few days. First, I think I am doing ok with this extra wait but since I'm such a worry wort I am stressing about whether nor not there was any success. I saw traces of bleeding on Saturday and though ok this could be implantation bleeding then when I saw more Monday, Tuesday and today, it almost sent me into shock. I consulted Dr. Google and apparently this is normal. Especially since I have 3 embryos in there. So here's hoping at least one of them is burying themselves in deep cause my mind keeps panicking that I'll have to do these shots all over again.

On a separate note, yesterday I participated in a raging war within private messages on FB with my two sisters. Totally stupid and I feel immature on all our parts. Needless to say, the one sister I was already not speaking to not only are we are still not speaking but now it won't even be cordial conversations at family events. The other sister who I did speak to and babysat her daughter every other weekend for the last two years and I are now not speaking. As my DH put it, Minnie the Mooch is now out of our lives. Like I don't have enough drama going on. Thank God my brother has a wife that I love to pieces so I still have that sister bond going on.

I had hoped to have had my blanket finished by today but the way things are going with my emotions I'm not even sure I like that thing anymore. I have to find a way to make it more squared. It's starting to look like one of those runner carpets. So I'm kinda stalled on it. I think I really wide border could help or I may have to create a second one and stitch them together to make one. Off to Google I go.

Call From RE

This is how the dialog pretty much went:

Her: You had labs done today?
Me: Yes, you told me to get my beta done on the 6th.
Her: Really? You had your transfer on the 27th right?
Me: Yep and I put the date in my calendar when you told me.
Her: Oh, I must have had the dates wrong. You are only 10 days past. This is too early to test. I like to see testing on day 15.
Me: Yeah, I think I saw implantation bleeding yesterday and Dr. Google told me it was too early but I figured you knew best.
Her: Well test on this Friday and text me when you get it done so I can be on the look out.
Me: Well can I POAS that morning cause I'm kinda anxious.
Her: It may be too early to POAS but if you decide to test yourself that morning just let me know if you think we may have a positive. 

And to that dialog I say awesome, and not in a good way. I'm all kinds of stressing and sad from my BFN and it's too dang early to test. SO I'm back in the land of faith and hope. 

Morning Update and Blanket Update

Today I am 10dp3dt and I took my beta test this morning. I actually don't think I should have. I think I  had implantation bleeding yesterday and now am worried (cause I worry about everything) that it's too soon to test. But I forged on and let the vampires take the juice anyway. This process has been the most stressful thing I've had to deal with and that is counting the 16 page paper due the weekend of my birthday two weeks ago. (which i got a 57 out of 60 on it).

I had a massage scheduled for that weekend but had to cancel due to the bed rest so it was rescheduled for this past Saturday and while I was driving there they called to reschedule and now it's today. So help me if I don't get this massage I just may have to scream.

I am also finished the blanket. I wanna say I'm about halfway done. Since my post yesterday I knocked out another full ball of yarn. Since these are small I am gonna use 4 for the body of the blanket and half of one for a border. I am really proud that I have been finding little projects to ease my mind. This is what I looked like before I went to bed last night.

A more happier note

I started working on a new blanket, because I am determined that I will have a baby. I am using a loom  and the really soft yarn from Bernat. I think it's 100% polyester. I love the way it feels. I brought 5 bundles of it and if by some chance I have some left, I'm thinking of making a pillow case. This is how far I have gotten I started on it last night while watching the Olympics. Hoping to have it done by next week. This should keep me nice and busy and sidetracked. 

As Of 7am....

... It was a BFN. It was suggested that maybe its still too early to POAS. According to Dr Google, I shouldn't have my beta done until the 8th instead of tomorrow. So I'm gonna try and hold out hope unit tomorrow and see what the beta says but I am disappointed none the less.

Tomorrow I ......

...POAS. I know that my actual beta draw is on Monday but I just can't take another day. I brought a 2 pack that has a bonus third. So I will POAS Sunday and Monday morning. This has been the most trying two weeks of my life. I feel so anxious. I'm scared that it will be negative and I'm scared with will be positive and I'll end up with triplets. I'm not sure how to handle either situation. It is 10:13 eastern standard time on Saturday night and I just can't wait to go to sleep and wake up. It feels like Christmast Eve and I'm just waiting to see if 'santa' got me that gift I really wanted. I will update first thing tomorrow morning.

Negative Emotions

I feel really bad for complaining about the progesterone. I know that this is helping to keep those little embries sticky and I should be grateful. But I am having a really horrible time with it. I don't know when the stick occurred but one has caused a lump at the site and how it hurts to walk and I'm walking with a limp. I haven't mentioned it to the RE yet but have asked to switch from the shots and was told that this is the best course of action for this drug. I hate feeling really negative about the situation but the pain and my focus on it has actually made this 2WW fly by.

I test on Monday and boy am I looking forward to that. I don't want to get my hopes up high because I know just how easy it is to get a BFN and I'm so scared that we will have to do this all over again. The lab only had one embryo to freeze. So I really want this to work but I have seen that every time I'm excited about something and start to share then it all falls apart. I know stress isn't good that's why I have a two hour massage scheduled for Saturday to help take my mind off things.

Here's wishing for at least one sticky embryo.