I hate to admit this but I am a HATER. I feel so ashamed to say it. I read a lot of (in)fertility blogs and my heart goes out to each and every situation. I love to read the ones that find success and I tend to stick with them through the pregnancy process. Even lately, I have been praying specific prayers for certain ladies. Now I do pray a general overall about all the ladies I'm reading but there have been two I pray for by name. Well in the last couple of days one received a negative result and the other received a positive one. My heart sank so bad for the one that didn't get the good news. I prayed and prayed that the news they received would be wrong and the doctor would call and tell them good news instead. I really broke my heart to know their attempt was unsuccessful. Now the other lady for some reason it broke my heart to see the positive results. I have no idea why. I am truly hating on that positive right now. This woman, indeed, deserves her positive and she deserves to be happy and to finally have her miracle baby but somehow I am hurt to see that happy news. Her news hit me like a ton of bricks. But the funny thing is I prayed for her to get her miracle. I wanted this to happen so why am I so pissed about it? See, insert shame here. I think I see a therapy session in my immediate future. I am so sorry to be a hater. I never though it would be in my nature. This (in)fertility *ish sucks. (yeah I know not very Christian like but that's how I feel.)
I would like to report that I officially sent in the release of records letter to the RE's office. I faxed it yesterday. I had to call the office and get the fax number and I am quite sure I will need to follow up the fax next week with a phone call but after, at least, four weeks of stalling I found the nerve. I believe we will do a FET out of pocket with the 1 embryo we have and then pursue my other two rounds. I am proud that I took that first step. I know they say the first step is the hardest. Even though no one tells you just how hard step two is gonna be (actually receiving the records/facing the RE face to face).
I haven't posted in a super long time. I am doing my best to stay updated on other folks blogs but my head hasn't been in the fertility game lately. While I so desperately want to be pregnant again I can't seem to wrap my hands around the phone to call the RE's office. I don't know what my issue is. I have gone through so much in the last month it's actually kinda making us rethink if we want to go through this again. I'm thinking I'll just grow old and bitter with my unfulfilled hopes and dreams. I figured I'd do that anyway due to never having won the lottery but figure maybe this would be more realistic.
Here's the low down (other kids mentioned). School has started so my other kids are back on their crazy schedule. (Karate, Football, Cheerleading, Swimming) I'm tuckered out just driving all around town so to add multiple doctors appointments on top of that is gonna be challenging. We need to move. I refuse to continue to pay our crazy outrageous mortgage. I wanna sell and downgrade but we need the space to downgrading is not the best option in size just price. (Yeah, I know good luck with that). Then we got a new foster child/adult. Shes 18 and that has brought new challenges into the home. Do I really want to add a new baby at this time? Yes and No. I don't want to have my poor eggs grow any older. I still have that one frozen and I need to make some choices. Plus have I mentioned I still don't know what to do about my RE. I did call a few weeks ago, got the answering service and no one called me back. Should I take that as a sign?
I did, in the course of typing this post, talk to the place that has my one frozen embryo and they gave me a bit more hope on just paying for the transfer out of pocket instead of wasting one of my last two insurance authorization. Hopefully I come to a decision soon and get back to regular blogging.
xoxo to all my fertility ladies in the trenches. baby dust to you all. :-)
